monday night

was wonderful. We went to dinner then got starbucks and walked around LaGrange. It was so pretty and Christmas-y.

blessings

1. Peanut getting all cozy between my shoulders and the seat and being comfy when we went for a drive.

2. Beautiful new Star themed Christmas tree. American Sales makes me happy.

3. Seeing all the smoke coming out of the chimneys of the houses while it was snowing.

4. Seeing all the brightly lit trees along the highway covered lightly with snow.

I really do love the Christmas season. So many times I have been a humbug during this time. Yesterday on a radio show, the guy was talking about not being into it. He said it's just one day. He thinks all the "days of Christmas" are too much. He said maybe it's romantic to couples who are in love.

guy: "Here's your Seven lords a-leaping. I love you"
girl: "I love you, too"

There is no denying to myelf now that no matter the current dating situation that it is a season of warmth, love, sharing and beauty. I will always treasure it, no more humbug for me. Christmas miracles happen.

AND I am looking forward to midnight mass this year. Again in years past, I was so sad and lonely or just wouldn't pay attention. This year I feel closest to God than I have in a long time. I will be listening and feeling with my heart.

lost post

just wrote out the whole ugly truth and I lost it when going to post.

It hurt to write it. I wanted to re-read it. It was meant to disappear into the abyss.

It hurts to pretend everything is alright and normal when he knows I'm suspecting and I'm postive that I'm right.

the title of the lost post was "one day I'll love myself enough to let him go"

Growing up or just getting older?

I can't tell. Here is a list of things that I like doing/ currently make me happy.

1. Peanut
2. catching up with my friends on the phone
3. working out [with a friend]
4. coffee with a friend
5. coffee with John in the morning
5. getting in pajamas and watching tv [giggling while doing so usually after midnight]
6. not smoking
7. being sober
8. or sometimes just having a couple
9. good tequila
10. good food [helping make it]
11. counting my blessings
12. Joel Osteen
13. Martha Stewart
14. yep, sometimes Oprah
15. Style network
16. wedding/makeover shows
17. shopping [including window and online]
18. shows, concerts
19. family [mine and his]

to be continued

My Birthday

I had a quiet birthday on Wednesday. I got my eyebrows done and then went to work out with Charity. We went and had a beverage at Subway and talked after. Mom, dad, me and Peanut went to get Portillos. After we had my favorite strawberry cake from Jewel.

I went back over to John's. I was lucky to get the Joel Osteen book on tape a few days before and have been listening to that in the car. We went shopping to get the ingredients for Black Bean Soup in the crockpot.

I heard from John's mom and the baby, Aunt Branda and Tabaitha, Charity, Katirose, my grandpa, my cousin Ashley, my Aunt carlene, Gramma Rita, my Aunt Millie, and Uncle Jim. (and Mom, dad, and Brian.)

On Thursday, we ate the delicious Black Bean soup and Blue Jalepeno cornbread that John made. SO, so good. He left a card on my side of the bed. It made me cry.

Friday, we went to his mom's for a little get together and dinner. Then they had a little surprise cake and presents for me. (I cried again.)

Birthday's past that I can remeber include:
2004 "27" John and myself saw the Pixies.
2003 "26" The Lodge with shauna & group and then out to Howl at the Moon and Cleo's with Katirose & group
2002 "25" Monika, Steffanie, Katirose at Betty's Blue Star
2001 "24" dinner at some steak house with people who I do not talk to anymore.
2000 "23" Red No. 5 with a huge bunch of friends
1999 "22" bar in Joliet with friends
1998 "21" Charity, Kady gay bars downtown
1997 "20"
1996 "19"
1995 "18" Playing outside at Arizona State University
1994 "17" Dinner at Chi-chis with many friends
1993 "16" Suprise birthday party

I can fly!

I had a dream last night that I could fly. I took a running start off a building and I was flying. I felt so carefree. I also knew that I was dreaming. I saw a couple other people flying around. I could also swim and breathe underwater and touch the bottom of a deep pool.

From dreammoods.com

flying dreams


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flyingintro
"I'm Flying"

Flying dreams fall under a category of dreams where you become aware that you are dreaming, known as lucid dreaming. Many dreamers have described the ability to fly in their dreams as an exhilarating, joyful, and liberating experience.

If you are flying with ease and enjoying the scene and landscape below, then it suggests that you are on top of a situation. You have risen above something. It may also mean that you have gained a different perspective on things. Flying dreams and the ability to control your flight is representative of your own personal sense of power.

Having difficulties staying in flight indicates a lack of power in controlling your own circumstances. You may be struggling to stay aloft and stay on course. Things like power lines, trees, or mountains may further obstruct your flight. These barriers represent a particular obstacle or person who is standing in your way in your waking life. You need to identify who or what is hindering you from moving forward.

If you are feeling fear when you are flying or that you feel that you are flying too high, then it suggests that you are afraid of challenges and of success.

In reality, we do not have the ability to fly. Thus such dreams may represent that which is beyond our physical limitations. In your mind, you can be anybody and do anything. Another way of interpreting flying dreams is that these dreams symbolize your strong mind and will. You feel undefeatable and nobody can tell you what you cannot do and accomplish. Undoubtedly these dreams leave you a great sense of freedom.

While I was away

I haven't written in a while. I was keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself for awhile.

The holiday season is upon us. For me it starts with my mom's birthday on Oct. 21st, then Halloween, Peanut's birthday, my birthday, thanksgiving, Christmas, my dad's birthday, New Years Eve, and finally Brian's birthday.

I'm looking forward to the holidays. Creating or being in a cozy atomosphere is all that matters to me lately. I was asked Brian a couple of weeks ago, "You know what going to be so cool this year?" He didn't skip a beat, "Having Peanut with us for Christmas." That's exactly what I was thinking. I got him two little costumes for Halloween, but I wasn't home to take pictures. Now, he'll have them for years to come. Or just when I want to see him looking like Elvis or Dracula. I also just bought him a little Santa outfit. I want to take a picture of him by the tree in it.
This year has turned out to be one of the best yet. It wasn't without it's trying moments,but

• We got Peanut
• got back together with him and hanging with his family; met his niece and his cats
• went to lots of concerts including Play the Field, Lollapalooza, NIN twice, the Black Crowes
• pretty much had the best summer going to Milwaukee, the zoo, Plamers, Casa Margarita
• WENT TO TEXAS, met his grandma, walked on the beach, San Juan shrine, Mexico
• he met my parents, grandparents, and aunt and uncle
• watching the Sox win
• became the Maid-of-Honor

I just can't believe it. I'm so thankful and grateful. So now, I am looking forward to the warmth, coziness and love of the holidays.

vacations that bring you closer

I feel so in love again. It's a calmer, more comfy feeling. It felt like we were a team on vacation and we can do anything together and it will run smoothly. I feel so thankful, grateful, and blessed.

this is where I'll be in 5 days

I can't believe it. I haven't been on a vacation in years, let alone on the beach.

Here comes the bride!

T got her dress, complete with chaple veil! It's perfect on her. I'll post pics when I some back of her. It's is on the David's Bridal website (5268), but the model and way it's being shown doesn't do it justice. For an idea of the look, go to davidsbridal.com and enter 0003 in the seach box.

I almost didn't make it because I was so sick at work. It was a fun experience. It was like Goldilocks and the Three Bears. She liked the first dress, but it was a littl big on the top. She also knew that maybe she liked it because it was the first one she tried on. The second one fit her beautifully, but was a bit conservative up top and was a little plain. The 3rd one was it. She loved it. We had to more to try on because it was getting close to closing time. We couldn't even get the next one on her; it was all twisted and resembled a doilie. The last one we put on was HEAVY. I was sweating. It had a corset bodice and tons of taffetta. Her mom said, that's too Foofy. I looked at her asked, Do you want to get out of this one? She said Yes. I asked, Do you want to put your dress back on? She said yes.

Going to Texas!

We got the tickets tonight.

It was an extremely frustrating day.

After we booked our flight, things got better. We went to Palmer's and had burgers and a couple drinks outside. Then we ended up going to the party at Matt's. It was a fun night with some bizarre parts.

running free

I needed something uplifting to look at. I hope the spirit of this picture stays with me.

I'm tired

We had a phone converstaion in which everything I did was annoying. I didn't listen. I cut him off which made him lose his thoughts. When I tried to do the opposite and just listen, I inserted too many ok's.

I didn't mean too interrupt...think I just get overly excited. It is rude and somthing I need to improve.

I honestly didn't remember some of those things if we've talked about them before. I do listen.
I'll try harder, though.

It was the first time since last month that I got emotional. It's directly related to pms. That's an improvement, I'd say.

a little on the edgy side today

I hope and I pray and I hope and I pray that we go to Texas...even for a long weekend.

This morning I accidentally poked Peanut in the eye. I felt horrible and wanted to cry. He was fine and got two treats out of the deal.

I need to clear off the camera for Saturday's search for the perfect wedding dress.

I just have no patience today.

First appointment for T's wedding

Ahhh! I'm so nervous. I had my first duties of scheduling an appointment for Tabaitha's first dress browsing. I don't know if I'm cut out for this because I am such a worrier. Coordinating all of our schedules is going to be a challenge. We are set for an appointment on Saturday.

I am relieved that they gave me thier email addresses because it will make things much easier.

I'm feeling stressed already. I better start calming down, otherwise it's going to be a long year.

feelin' great

Wow! I'm feeling great again. It may be because:

I just worked out.

I had a great time with John last night and this morning. It was one of the fun times when we listened to a great cd in the car and drove around last night with the windows down. We watched some tv. We were playful.

Maybe it's because I've been feeling more spiritual lately, my faith is growing and I feel hopeful again.

I elimated something from my life that was making me feel bad about myself.

goal time!

1. To be more disciplined.

2. Lose weight.

3. Pay Debts.

4. Be more focused.

5. Get things done.

lovely weekend

I was content this weekend.

Saturday, I watched the marathon of Top Model on Vh1 and other random girly tv.

Sunday, I woke up with the breeze blowing in my room and the sun shining. I had the nostagic feeling of a morning I remember as a child. I sat and enjoyed the smell of the breeze and sun for awhile. I watched more tv, but by the end of the day I felt a little guilty about being so lazy.

John asked me to come over which always makes my day. One of my favorite things in the world is giggling before falling asleep.

yum

I L-O-V-E blueberry cake donuts.

Jewelry

This is a link to MyaLouiseDesigns. This is amazing hand crafted jewelry by Mya. I have two pairs of earrings and they are stunning. I plan on buying more. Check it out.

http://www.ofoto.com/I.jsp?c=95d7bohr.3qmb0o93&x=0&y=-9cyjt9

inspirational quote

"I have always believed that whatever good or bad fortune may come our way we can always give it meaning and transform it into something of value."
– Hermann Hesse

check out this website

www.asofterworld.com

meditation

the new mantra is:

In with the good (deep breath)

Out with the bad (slow exhale)

John William Waterhouse

La Belle Dame Sans Merci





















Lady of Shalott
















Miranda the Tempest









Just a few by one of my favorite artists.

I love quotes

"In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in an clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness. Our life is a long and arduous quest after Truth."
Mahatma Gandhi

"A true warrior knows when to retreat and this is power in action. "

I'm not sure who this is by...I'm researching it.

the love of my life

My little Peanut. He is ten months old. He brightens my day and takes up all the room on the couch when we fall asleep.

wedding daydream

I hope to get married one day. I am not in a rush, but from time to time I think about what I would like my wedding to be like.

I would like a beach wedding. I would wear a pretty, flowy, sundressy gown. I think I would like flowers (roses) in my hair and be barefoot.

We would grill up some food followed by cupcakes and chocolate covered strawberries.

In reality, I am the Maid of Honor in Tab's wedding. I'm trying to keep track of cute wedding ideas. The most recent was a wedding that rented a photobooth for the reception. It sounds expensive, but so fun.

things that make me smile today

Talking to and texting John this morning.

Joel Osteen. I love how uplifting he is.

Getting my haircut. It feels so much lighter. It's just what I needed.

Having Alissa, who cuts my hair, tell me that it is a mature, good thing to sort through your friends.

Having a delicious lunch of John's grilled shrimp and his mom's rice.

Having my cousin tell me and my brother what great, cool parents we have.

Remembering my brother, Brian, show me and our cousin, Tabaitha, that he had goosebumps as the lights went out and the Rolling Stones were about to come on stage last night.

yesterday

The zoo was practically empty so it was a perfect day to be there. We enjoyed walking without fighting the crowd. The animals seemed very active and more playful that usual, because I think they were thinking the same thing, "Thank goodness the children are back in school!"

We saw the wolves swimming and when a zookeeper rode his bike past, the wolf jumped up and chased it like a dog would. Then they nestled together for a nap. One relaxed on the highest rock and looked perfect with all the trees and greenery surrounding him. A penguin swam right up to us when we visited them. The otters were extremely playful chasing each other and swimming through the log. The sea lions were playing, too. The leopards came right up to the glass so we can enjoy them close-up. John fed some woodchucks and squirrels which reminded me of our grandpas' doing the same thing. John documented the day by taking some of his best pictures yet.

We ate dinner at his mom's house where he made his own tequila lime marinade for grilled shrimp. It was delicious! We sat out side and talked for awhile. He is my favorite person to talk to. He is knowledgeable and wise but at the same time still trying to figure it all out, too. He has my heart.

looking forward to...

Getting my hair cut tomorrow! (I'm thinking about dying it soon after. Then I think I'll schedule a facial and massage around my birthday.)

Monday:
Pick out paint for my room.
Spend my gift certificate for some music
Possibly go to the thrift store.

Some time in the near future I'd like:
To go to the flea market
Get rid of old clothes

Inspired

Inspired by my friend Melissa, I am starting a new blog. I feel that my previous writing tended to be negative. So this is going to be my place to immortalize goals, hopes, blessings, and things that make me smile.

Thanks Melissa!